Senior Blues

I’ve got a holiday on Tuesday and a break from all my senior morning classes this week too. Hooray! I’ve vowed never to work a job 6 days a week again. I hated it in London and though I never intended to coming to Germany, I still got stuck in it again. My long holidays altogether don’t really make up for it either, the way they used to when I was a child, they’re usually dominated by some project or another that I never manage while working.

At any rate I have a month-long break from my senior classes so that I can take an intensive German course. My seniors are a bit irked, but it’s really the only benefit I get anymore from having extra self-employed classes. They have no idea how constant my other job is; I think I can safely generalize that they all believe I have weekends off. Well we’re not there to discuss me and they don’t listen that well to me in general, so I guess I don’t feel compelled to explain matters further. If my weekends don’t concern them, than neither do my scheduling reasons.

I like my seniors, but sometimes I feel like they are just as selfish and egoistic as my own peers in their 20s and this is strange and somehow uncomfortable for me. I’m much more at ease around Greek oldies who accept their age and have a sense of purpose and contentment with their families. I’ve already decided if I make to my 60s A) I certainly won’t be wasting that time complaining, even if everything hurts, and B) if I’m more alone than I want to be, I’ll spend my time in prayer and volunteering or move somewhere where I can help: to give back but also because everyone needs people to look after and a way to feel needed.

I like that they are still people, with a sense of pride in their appearance, but honestly I resent that they want me to essentially lie or ignore the fact that they are old and will die. My group of beginners wanted to call themselves middle-aged. I tried to say hmm, I guess they are no rules, but generally people would say between 40-60 years old. Once you retire you aren’t middle-aged.

What is going on here!? I mean really!! I do work for the senior center after all.

They want me to feel sorry for them, but I don’t, any more than I do for all of humanity chained to death. This is everyone’s fate. It’s shocking how many people have such inflated egos they hope to be the exception.

Oh I’m being harsh I know, but it’s weird when you gradually realize you’re sitting in front of a group of people lying to themselves very well, and you are expected to join in, or at least not crush the facade they’ve been carefully sculpting. That for me is akin to lying anyway. I don’t want to crush their delicate egos or push it in their faces, but it’s ridiculous how I have to tiptoe around it, cause they’re all hypersensitive. I’ve made them mad, by saying, oh when I was a child, and I meant it and it was a fact and a valid story, but apparently I was calling them old. SIGH.

Relatively speaking I won’t die so long after them anyway. What’s decades compared to centuries? Perhaps all our excessive antibiotics use will make a perfect situation for the next worldwide epidemic, perhaps we in my generation will come to envy their illness free life. Excuse me for looking at the big picture, but I am a student of history. It’s not exactly a steady march of progress, you have great thinkers who bring about change, followed by depraved characters who drag countries back into the mud. Not everything new is better and not everything old should be discarded.

It’d be better I suppose if these older Germans had decided to have more than one child. Most of them are lucky if their children live within a short drive of them and are even luckier if they have one grandchild to distract them. And what’s even more ridiculous is that those without grandkids are visibly jealous of those with. Even when they try to disguise it with scorn. Ach Germany what are you doing to yourself? You’ve got lots of healthy old people with nothing to occupy their time except delaying the inevitable.

It’s such an uncomfortable situation for me. I try to be understanding and listen and have a large deaf ear to their irrational demands and complaints.  There’s no chance I will ever forget them and we’ve shared a lot of interesting moments. I try to make them laugh or smile once a week, if nothing else. However, I welcome every break I get, cause deep down they are truly lonely, depressed, and discontent and it weighs down very heavily on me. I want to solve their problems, but I am busy carving out a life for myself in a foreign land and when class is over, I have places to be.

As I tell the bf at least once a month, promise me we let each other waste our lives complaining and become unbearable to those around us.

What a difference my little Greek children are. They even have the audacity to believe that there might be hope for them in Greece eventually!

Such a weird contrast.

Anyway I want to talk about the cute things my kids have done recently, but it’ll have to wait til later this week.


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